According to Wikipedia, codependency is “a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.”I think of this watching my brother’s life unfold. He has always been developmentally disabled. That is not going to change. What has changed is his growth since he is no longer under the influence of our mother. My mother loved Jim, and felt it was her responsibility to make sure he was cared for and protected as long as she lived. In doing so, she kept him from the potential that someone, even with his limited capabilities could achieve. I was made keenly aware of this last week, when he announced that he was going to have a birthday soon. “April 6th” he proudly stated. That might not mean much to anyone else, but for him to know his birthday is a major accomplishment. He will never be able to take care of himself on his own, but he can sure contribute to his well-being and experience the feeling of accomplishment.
This past Sunday, we watched two programs that perfectly illustrate the heights to which people are capable of rising when they are not being enabled by those professing to care for them.
The first example was a “Sixty Minutes” program that followed what we would consider disadvantaged children in Franklin County Mississippi, one of the poorest counties in one of the poorest states in the country, as they learned to play chess. They were part of a program initiated because of the imagination of an anonymous benefactor and Jeff Bulington, who was convinced to take on the experiment with these kids in what many would call the middle of nowhere, but in Jeff Bulington’s eyes. “If there are people there, it’s not “nowhere.” This is somewhere. It’s just a somewhere that doesn’t get a lot of attention.”
Since 2015, Bulington has been teaching the kids chess and they have flourished under his direction. As one of the kids told the 60 Minutes Producer, “People said that country kids couldn’t learn chess. We showed ‘em different.” The fifth and sixth grade kids went on to place eight and tenth respectively in the National Chess Championship in December, competing with kids from more privileged backgrounds throughout the United States. Not only are they learning chess, but they are learning what they are capable of. Suddenly, the prospect of going to college doesn’t seem daunting to them.
The other program, which illustrated the results of enabling was the PBS Masterpiece Special “To Walk Invisible” about the Bronte Sisters. While the Bronte sisters were left to their own devices by a father who never thought they would amount to much, their brother, Branwell, was the opposite. The show left the impression that Branwell’s alcoholism and drug abuse was enabled by the family, particularly his father, who paid his debts to get him out of trouble. Despite early artistic promise Branwell’s addiction and co-dependency was his demise.
The Bronte sisters were likely conscious of the same prevailing viewpoint as that the children in Franklin County, Mississippi experienced; that they were without value because they were poor and without a lot of resources. But, the world’s opinion of their lack of potential did not affect their self-worth as witnessed by what Charlotte Bronte’s character Jane Eyre stated in the book by the same name, “Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! – I have as much soul as you, – and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you!
Last weekend we had brunch with our son Michael and his new girlfriend, Judy who is of Laotian descent. Her parents were held in a refugee camp after the war in Vietnam then sponsored by an uncle for resettlement in Kansas City. As with many refugees, they are successful citizens of the country that gave them opportunity. Judy is a fourth grade teacher, working on her PhD, hoping is to work in school administration and one day become a school superintendent.
Her family’s success did not come about because of handouts, food stamps, or welfare. It is the result of their dreams and a hand up, in their case from a family member, but it could have been anyone that offered sponsorship and a chance for them to prove themselves.
How different the climate in our country would be if the government and a lot of social agencies would stop enabling our citizens. For many, what was once a helping hand has become a millstone around their neck keeping them from all that they could and should be.